Becoming Us

Are you tired of the assumptions that silently erode your closest relationships? Do you long for deeper connection, genuine understanding, and the ability to navigate conflict with grace and hope? "Becoming Us" by Beth McCord offers a transformative path to understanding yourself and your partner on a profound level. Through relatable stories of real couples, including the authors' own journey from whirlwind romance to a marriage tested by unspoken expectations, you'll discover the hidden 'whys' behind your actions, feelings, and thoughts. This book doesn't just offer surface-level communication tips; it delves into the powerful Enneagram system to illuminate the core motivations that drive us, moving beyond mere behavior to uncover the roots of our interactions. You'll learn how childhood messages and past experiences shape your present, often creating 'impassable divides' in communication. But conflict isn't the end; it's a crucible for growth. Discover how to transform disagreements into opportunities for deeper understanding and renewed hope. "Becoming Us" promises not just better communication, but the cultivation of deep emotional awareness, leading you and your partner to become your best selves, together. Prepare to embark on a journey of vulnerability, insight, and profound intimacy that will redefine what it means to truly 'become us.' This is an invitation to move from assumption to authentic connection, fostering a love that is both resilient and deeply understood.

The author, Beth McCord, introduces the concept of 'assumicide' through a relatable anecdote about Stephanie and Dustin, a couple planning their wedding. As they discuss wedding plans, a misunderstanding about a 'wedding band'—one thinking of jewelry, the other of musical performance—leads to escalating tension and hurt feelings. This seemingly minor miscommunication, McCord explains, perfectly illustrates assumicide: the damaging habit of incorrectly believing we know another person's thoughts, feelings, or motivations, and responding without seeking clarification. This tendency, McCord reveals, is easy to fall into because we often assume others perceive the world from our own 'correct' perspective. When faced with differing viewpoints, we can mistakenly infer ill intent, thereby damaging precious relationships, particularly marriage. She shares her own struggles with assumicide in her marriage to Jeff, admitting that at times she has felt baffled by him, wishing for an 'instruction manual.' The author then pivots to the Enneagram, introduced as a tool to understand oneself and others, noting her Type 9 (Peaceful Mediator) and Jeff's Type 6 (Loyal Guardian) as examples. McCord emphasizes that while she and Jeff have a deep and loving 24-year marriage, it is far from perfect and has required significant, often painful, work on communication and understanding, driven by a deeper reliance on faith and insight. She frames this journey not as a destination of perfection, but as a continuous process of redemption and transformation through Christ. The chapter invites readers to explore their own stories and relationship dynamics, using the Enneagram and the Gospel as guides to foster deeper self-awareness, authentic living, and stronger connections, moving beyond mere survival to thriving in relationships. The overarching goal is to help readers strengthen their marriages and live out their truest selves in Christ, embracing the messy, beautiful work of becoming.

The journey of Beth and Jeff McCord, from a whirlwind college romance to a marriage tested by unspoken assumptions and differing personalities, unfolds as a powerful narrative on the true nature of 'becoming us.' They met as freshmen at the University of Kansas in 1994, swiftly convinced of their compatibility due to shared beliefs and values, marrying just over a year later. Yet, as Beth reflects, this youthful certainty masked a deeper truth: they, like many young couples, barely knew themselves, let alone each other. Beth's personal journey to self-discovery, marked by a period of intentional solitude before meeting Jeff, revealed unhealthy patterns of merging with others, a tendency she later identified as characteristic of her Enneagram Type 9. This season of seeking solace and identity in Christ liberated her from a need for external validation, a crucial foundation for her future marriage. Their early courtship was rapid, with Jeff expressing his intent to marry Beth on their second date, a declaration that, while flattering, also highlighted their contrasting decisiveness—Jeff’s immediate clarity versus Beth’s nascent self-awareness. Despite parental concerns and a wise suggestion to wait, their engagement soon followed. However, the intense pressure of wedding planning, compounded by Beth's Type 9 desire to please everyone, triggered significant anxiety, revealing a volatile side that surprised both her and Jeff. This internal storm, a stark contrast to her usual peaceful demeanor, foreshadowed the challenges ahead. Upon marriage, their initial assumption of a seamless transition from dating to married life, like professional ballroom dancers, quickly dissolved, replaced by the awkward stumble of learning to dance together, or perhaps, not even knowing how to slow dance. Beth’s personal narrative dives into her childhood, marked by a loving family, a physician father (Type 7) and a nurse mother (Type 6), and the significant challenge of a reading disability that instilled feelings of inadequacy and shame. This was further complicated by her Type 9 tendency to avoid conflict, which manifested in high school as merging with boyfriends, losing her own identity in the pursuit of their happiness. Jeff’s story, as an adopted only child in Texas, speaks of a supportive father (Type 9) and a mother (Type 2) whose chronic illness created a home environment that fostered his strong will and emotional depth. A pivotal moment arrived in high school when a football coach's simple question about his talent, attributing it to a gift from God, began a spiritual awakening. This path led him to a profound encounter with faith, transforming his life’s purpose. His choice to attend KU, influenced by a football scholarship and the proximity of a church, brought him to Beth. Married life, however, proved to be a crucible. Beth’s desperate need to make Jeff happy, stemming from her own insecurities and a misinterpretation of Christian wifely duties, led to 'assumicide'—acting on assumptions about others' needs—and a profound sense of despair when her efforts fell short. She realized that losing herself was not the path to unity, but rather a recipe for resentment and loneliness. This pattern, deeply ingrained in her Type 9 nature when misaligned with the Gospel, convinced her she was a horrible wife, a self-judgment that strained their marriage. The arrival of children amplified their struggles, pushing them to the brink of understanding. In a moment of raw vulnerability, Beth confessed, 'Jeff, I don’t know how to love you,' a confession that illuminated the chasm between their expectations and realities. This stark realization, that they were missing each other in their attempts to love, underscored the central tension: the profound difficulty and necessity of truly knowing oneself and one's partner to build a shared life.

The author, Jeff, recounts a pivotal moment during his seminary days, a period marked by financial strain and the overwhelming responsibilities of graduate studies, ministry work, marriage, and impending fatherhood. Living in a cramped apartment with his wife Beth and young son, he felt ill-equipped to navigate the complexities of loving his family. One morning, after an argument with Beth, a song on the radio, "Jesus I Come," stopped him in his tracks. Sitting in his car, weeping, he experienced a profound, experiential understanding of the Gospel's truth: freedom from bondage, sorrow, and sin, and the embrace of Christ's righteousness. This realization allowed him to apologize to Beth without defensiveness, trusting in his security in Christ. Beth, however, needed time to trust this change, as they both grappled with inherited, unproductive patterns of conflict and criticism, stemming from their youth and differing family coping mechanisms. They realized they had been trying to change each other to feel better about themselves, a strategy that was failing. Jeff recognized his unpreparedness for the dynamics of marriage and parenthood, understanding the need to know their hearts more deeply and communicate at that level. He also acknowledged the unfair expectation placed on spouses to fulfill needs that only Christ can meet. Beth, too, felt stuck, knowing the Gospel offered freedom but struggling to fully internalize it and break free from repetitive ruts, leading to guilt, shame, and fear. Their friends, Travis and Susan, introduced them to Richard Rohr's "The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective." Jeff skimmed it, but Beth devoured it, finding in the Enneagram, particularly Type 9, a clarity for her internal world that had been foggy. It illuminated her own patterns and allowed her to see Jeff with more compassion and understanding. The Enneagram became a powerful tool, offering not just insight into why they struggled, but also revealing their individual paths to growth and providing a framework for their relationship to change in a deep and lasting way.

Beth McCord, in her chapter 'The Enneagram,' invites us on a profound journey beyond mere behavior, venturing into the very 'why' of our actions, feelings, and thoughts. She explains that while many personality tests focus on the external, the Enneagram, a nine-pointed symbol, uniquely illuminates our core motivations—the hidden springs that drive us. Imagine seeing the world through different colored lenses; the Enneagram helps us understand that others perceive reality through their own unique hue, fostering empathy and connection. McCord emphasizes that this tool is not a weapon for judgment nor a shield for defense, but a powerful guide, akin to an internal GPS or a highway rumble strip, warning us when we stray from our healthiest path. The true transformation, she reveals, comes not from the Enneagram itself, but from the Gospel, with Christ's work being the ultimate source of change. The Enneagram, when approached from a biblical perspective, acts as a catalyst, exposing our core fears, desires, weaknesses, and longings, not to condemn, but to lead us to surrender and dependence on Christ. McCord delves into the four core motivations—fear, desire, weakness, and longing—explaining how each of the nine Enneagram types strategizes to navigate these internal landscapes, often seeking fulfillment apart from God. For instance, Type 1s wrestle with being 'wrong,' desiring goodness, while Type 7s fear being 'deprived' and long for happiness. The chapter intricately details each of the nine types, from the 'Moral Perfectionist' to the 'Peaceful Mediator,' highlighting their unique lenses and the spectrum from healthy alignment to unhealthy misalignment with the Gospel. McCord introduces the concepts of Wings, Triads, and the Lines/Arrows within the Enneagram symbol, illustrating how these layers add nuance and reveal stress and growth paths. She shares a personal anecdote as a Type 9 moving towards Type 3 healthy attributes during growth, demonstrating how understanding these dynamics can lead to profound self-awareness and relational transformation. Ultimately, McCord urges readers to use the Enneagram not to diagnose others, but to embark on their own internal work, seeking the Holy Spirit's guidance to align their hearts with the Gospel, fostering deeper self-understanding, compassion, and grace in all relationships, transforming the internal landscape to reflect Christ's likeness.

The author, Beth McCord, opens this chapter by revealing a vulnerable moment early in her marriage, where her husband, Jeff, confessed, 'I don't know how to be your wife.' This candid admission underscores a central theme: the past, with its ingrained messages and interpretations, invariably shows up in our present relationships, often when we least expect it. McCord explains that understanding current relational dynamics requires a deep dive into our past, specifically the messages we absorbed as children and how our unique personality, viewed through the lens of the Enneagram, interpreted them. Jeff's own story illustrates this vividly; as a third-grader left to care for himself due to his mother's illness, he learned to be self-reliant, internalizing a message that he didn't need anyone. This translated into his adult marriage as a reluctance to depend on Beth, leading her, a Type 9, to feel devalued and question her role. Conversely, Beth's upbringing, with a stay-at-home mother who managed all domestic duties, shaped her vision of a wife's contribution. When Jeff didn't need her in that specific way, she felt inadequate. McCord emphasizes that these differing interpretations, filtered through Enneagram Types and 'Childhood Messages,' can lead to 'assumicide'—a destructive cycle of assumptions that wreak havoc. The chapter stresses that recognizing these deeply ingrained, often unconscious, messages is the first step toward healing and healthier relating. McCord introduces the concept of 'Core Longings'—the fundamental messages our hearts desperately yearned to hear as children, such as 'You are good' for a Type 1 or 'Your presence matters' for a Type 9. When these longings go unmet in childhood, they can drive adult behavior and expectations within relationships, leading to a continuous, often unsatisfying, search for validation. The narrative then shifts to a more personal account of a marital conflict, where Jeff, a Type 6, experienced a profound fear of abandonment, triggered by Beth's withdrawal during an argument. This fear, rooted in his Type 6's core fear and amplified by his childhood experiences, led him to intense reactions. However, a moment of pause, a conscious choice guided by an awareness of his Enneagram Type, allowed him to ask a vulnerable question: 'Are you going to leave me?' Beth's reassuring response, 'No, stupid. I won't ever leave you,' created a breakthrough, fostering a deeper connection. This pivotal moment highlights a crucial insight: by understanding our Enneagram Type and its associated Childhood Messages and Core Longings, we can begin to reframe our interpretations, break free from destructive patterns, and approach our relationships with greater self-awareness and compassion. The author cautions against excessive dwelling on the past but advocates for intentional reflection, suggesting that understanding our history through the lens of faith can lead to a more present and future-oriented marriage. It is not about confronting the past but about understanding how our interpretations have shaped us, allowing us to rewrite our stories with new clarity and freedom, ultimately finding redemption and wholeness in Christ.

Beth McCord, in her chapter on Communication, illuminates how deeply our past experiences and core motivations shape our interactions, often leading to misunderstandings that can feel like impassable divides. Consider Ken, the exuberant Type 7, whose spontaneous joy in gift-giving stemmed from a desire to bring light to his mother's struggles, and Jeanette, the practical Type 6, whose meticulous budgeting and focus on wish lists were rooted in a childhood of financial scarcity. Their Christmas shopping date, intended to be a festive occasion, devolved into a tense impasse, a vivid micro-metaphor for how differing internal landscapes can clash externally. This tension, however, became the fertile ground for a profound shift. McCord emphasizes that when our hearts are activated, often by perceived threats to our core fears or unmet desires, we tend to react defensively, falling into patterns of 'assumicide'—making assumptions instead of seeking understanding. The key to breaking this cycle, she reveals, lies not in changing our words, but in transforming the heart's intent, much like cleaning the inside of a cup before the outside. This transformation begins with a deliberate pause, a moment to listen for the 'rumble strip warnings' within and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, remembering our true identity in Christ. From this grounded place, asking clarifying questions becomes possible—not accusatory, but genuinely seeking to understand the 'why' behind another's actions. Ken’s question, 'Can you explain to me what was going on in your heart so I can better understand you?' opened the door for Jeanette to share her history, and her subsequent question, 'So what was going on with you?' invited Ken to reveal his own deeply held motivations. This exchange, moving from reactive conflict to empathetic inquiry, allowed them to navigate their differing desires, ultimately forging a compromise with separate budgets for practicality and surprise. The author stresses that true connection, as highlighted by John Gottman's concept of 'bids,' involves turning towards these attempts at connection, whether they manifest positively or negatively. By understanding the Enneagram types and our own internal landscapes, we can learn to respond thoughtfully rather than react instinctively, transforming potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper love and understanding. This journey of self-awareness, understanding our core motivations and fears, is not merely about improving relationships with others, but fundamentally about aligning our hearts with truth, allowing the Gospel to take root and foster lasting transformation, enabling us to serve one another with grace and clarity.

In the tapestry of human connection, conflict often emerges not as a destructive force, but as a crucible for deeper understanding and hope. The author, Beth McCord, guides us through this intricate landscape, beginning with the story of Dave, a pastor whose innovative ideas for church hospitality met unexpected resistance, triggering feelings of shame and inadequacy. His wife, Kelsie, a meticulous teacher, approached the situation with her characteristic structure and procedures, intending to help, yet inadvertently deepening Dave's sense of being misunderstood and flawed. This poignant example, illustrating the predictable friction between a Type 4's creative spirit and a Type 1's need for order, reveals a fundamental truth: our core motivations, fears, and desires shape not only who we are, but how we navigate conflict. The author posits that conflict, an unavoidable reality in a fallen world, can be a powerful catalyst for growth when approached with intentionality and grace. The central tension lies in moving beyond mere behavioral change—criticism, silence, or even well-intentioned advice—to addressing the heart of the matter, a transformation Christ's grace alone can achieve. This is where the concept of 'assumicide,' the tendency to make assumptions about our spouse's perspective, becomes a destructive force in relationships. The author shares a personal journey, akin to a "brewing storm" within, leading to the discovery of Peacemaker Ministries and the profound realization that conflict resolution requires not just general principles, but an understanding of individual Enneagram types and their unique lenses on the world. The core insight here is that our problem is often not the external situation, but our perspective, shaped by our personality's unhealthy patterns. The narrative then pivots to the transformative power of the Gospel, suggesting that Christ's restoration of our relationship with God provides the model for how we can restore one another. A key takeaway is that a staggering 69% of marital conflicts have no single right answer, underscoring the futility of a 'who's right, who's wrong' mentality. Instead, the focus must shift to restoration, embracing the truth that our spouse is a partner in our spiritual growth, a vessel through which God can reveal blind spots and foster transformation. This requires a conscious effort to pause, take thoughts captive, pray for wisdom, ask clarifying questions, and trust in the Gospel's truth. The author illustrates this with a vivid scene: Dave, a Type 4, feeling invalidated when his wife Kelsie, a Type 9, begins a detailed story only to get up and make ice, a seemingly small act that triggers her deep-seated fear of not mattering. Yet, through learned practices of pausing, questioning her assumptions, and recalling the truth of the Gospel, Beth, the author’s wife, was able to reframe the event, transforming potential distance into connection and understanding. This profound shift, moving from seeing conflict as an attack to viewing it as an opportunity for sanctification, is the ultimate hope offered: that through intentionality, grace, and a focus on what God is doing in and through our spouse, we can navigate the inevitable storms of relationships and emerge stronger, more Christlike, and more deeply connected.

Beth McCord, in her chapter 'Becoming Our Best Selves,' guides us toward a more profound understanding of intimacy and growth within relationships, revealing that true connection is less about mastering communication techniques and more about cultivating deep emotional awareness of ourselves and our partners. The author emphasizes that the foundation for this transformation lies in recognizing that our deepest needs are already met in Christ, freeing us from the pressure to demand fulfillment from our spouse. This truth allows us to "put on then, as Gods chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." A core insight emerges: thriving marriages, as demonstrated by Dr. Gottman's research, require a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative, fostering what he calls 'Positive Sentiment Override,' where spouses anticipate goodwill. Conversely, neglecting this positive reinforcement leads to 'Negative Sentiment Override,' dooming conversations before they begin. The narrative then pivots to the concept of 'bids' for connection, noting that successful relationships respond to these bids positively 87% of the time, a stark contrast to struggling marriages that only do so 33% of the time. This intentional focus on the positive isn't just a strategy; it's an embodiment of the Gospel, communicating love and validation. To navigate internal activation and potential conflict, McCord introduces the A.W.A.R.E. acronym: Awaken to your reactions, Welcome observation without judgment, Ask for divine clarity, Receive insight and affirm identity, and Enjoy freedom from self-defeating patterns. The Enneagram is presented as a powerful tool for this intentional affirmation, offering specific qualities to appreciate within each personality type, transforming the often-awkward practice of praise into a deliberate act of love, as illustrated by the story of Kate and Sam's evolving communication. Ultimately, the chapter underscores that helping our spouse become their best self is not about molding them into our ideal, but about walking alongside them, supported by the Holy Spirit's transformative work. This internal alignment, this Gospel transformation, creates ripple effects, influencing not just the marital relationship but extending outward to touch friends, acquaintances, and even strangers, fostering hope, wholeness, and freedom. The journey to 'Becoming Us' is an ongoing process, a hopeful invitation to embrace a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partners through the lens of faith and personality, leading to richer connections and a more Christ-centered life.

“Becoming Us” by Beth McCord offers a profound and practical roadmap for navigating the complexities of human connection, particularly within marriage. At its core, the book dismantles the pervasive and destructive tendency of 'assumicide'—the dangerous habit of believing we understand another's thoughts and motivations, often projecting our own worldview onto them. Through relatable anecdotes, like the wedding band misunderstanding, McCord illustrates how this assumption-driven approach breeds conflict and erodes intimacy. The Enneagram emerges as a central, transformative tool, not merely for categorizing personalities, but for uncovering the 'why' behind our actions, revealing core fears, desires, and childhood messages that unconsciously shape our relational patterns. This deep dive into self-awareness, particularly understanding one's Enneagram type through a Gospel-centered lens, is presented as the essential foundation for genuine connection. The book emphasizes that true marital unity isn't about merging identities but about understanding and celebrating individual gifts, allowing for mutual support and growth. McCord guides readers to recognize that unmet emotional needs are often projected onto spouses, when in reality, only Christ can fulfill them. This realization liberates individuals to approach relationships with authenticity and grace. The journey of 'becoming us' is framed as an ongoing process of intentional work, requiring vulnerability, honest communication, and a willingness to pause, ask clarifying questions, and seek to understand the other's perspective. Conflict, rather than being avoided, is reframed as a powerful catalyst for spiritual growth, offering opportunities to extend grace and foster deeper understanding. Ultimately, “Becoming Us” teaches that by cultivating self-awareness, embracing vulnerability, and grounding our identities in faith, we can move beyond destructive patterns, foster authentic connection, and build relationships that truly thrive, extending the transformative ripple effect of the Gospel into every aspect of our lives.